Forever Enscripted In My Memory

i have to defend myself.
dummmbbb.

I think there are wayyy too many loopholes when it comes to this.
Religion in schools..
it is IN school whether we want it to be or not.
Religion is IN government whether we accept it or not.


I think if there is separation of church && state
there needs to be separation of church &&... USA.
because i am TIRED of people calling me asking me
if they have my support to vote YES on some PROP
saying that marriage is ONE MAN && ONE WOMAN.

I really hope that gay marriage IS allowed in the future.
It's the RIGHTS of the people.
whether it is in a BIBLE or not.

happy birthday me.

extremely tired
of all this fighting
and arguing.

i only wanted him to take care of me
thats it

idk what to do
im obviously not a good gf.


he hung up on me
because i told him i deleted someone off my friends list
and didnt call me back
and now hes 'done' & 'out'


what am i supposed to do?
ill wait, but im not going to be the boy this time.
im the girl for a reason.

Today sucks.

At least YOURE stuck with all of our stuff.
I never want to see it again


:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
done with this LJ

i want friends like this
wiiithout the heavy, sticky feeling

Maybe the reason I can't find peace with myself
is because I haven't let go of the biggest heartbreak I've ever encountered;
losing my grandma.
It's been 1 year, 2 months & 9 days since she left me.



I miss her.
I can't even joke with my mom
about how I have to have HER as a mom now
since grandma's gone...
without breaking down.
& I know my grandma wouldn't wanna see me like this...
but what am I supposed to do?
she just left me.


:(

I got to hang out with THE MODERN tonight
:)
It was fun.
I like them.
They think I'm weird.
But they're happy Chris finally found someone who thinks he's funny.
HAHA. He's hilarious.

"knock knock.
whos there?
bob hope.
bob hope who?
bob hopes you shut the fuck up"

HAHAHA
idk but it's funny to me & Chris.
&& nobody else.


she looks like a pigeon lady
"that sounds like something chris would say"
he did say that :D

i <3 randomness.
thank you for a wonderful night out.
i'm glad rick & i get along so well ;)

So now you want me to fix everything
But baby there's so much and so little time to
Replace the things I've broken
Ripped apart, & thrown away
You can say that you don't miss me
I think about you every day



music is becoming my life.
i've opened myself up to soo many new bands.
idk what GENRE it all is,
but i love it
it makes me happy

&& it makes me wish someone would write me a love song.






I miss my musician. :(

she walks into my room
"tristy, will you help me put the windows on the jeep?
...tristy, c'mon, help me please. April's coming to get Gretchen today. I've been up since six! Help me please"







getting nails done okee dokee love you honey bunny u r the bestest daughter in the world and im so proud of u . -9:11 AM

april is on her way to the house to pick up gretchen ok tell bug so hes not in underwear please -10:52 AM

me: hes not in underwear. his friends are here. im glad youre proud of me but sometimes i wish i could hear you say that instead of hearing it from other people or reading it. i do a lot for this family & i dont get ANY credit at all. it's draining, trying to help you raise carl, trying to keep you together & keep myself together. because i'm helping everyone else & NOBODY is helping me

then stop helping us . well be ok work on yourself see u in a bit -10:56 AM


me: i cant stop helping. its like natural for me to take care of ppl.
me: plus thats not what i wanna hear. i dont want to give up, because i still wont get anything from anyone & i'll still be trying; alone.

my mom comes into my room at like 11
& just sits on my bed.
like she's tryyying to make it all better
but she doesn't say anything
so it really doesn't mean anything.

I lay there under her arm,
& I miss my grandma.


we go downstairs, make breakfast.
"can you go to walgreens & get me 2 blue monsters?"
*looks at her*
can i go after i'm done eating?
she has this face on like i disappoint her.
i ate as fast as i could.
"will you go to walgreens for me now?"
*looks at myself*
can i take a shower first?
she has that disappointed face again
mom, do i have to go looking like THIS?
she just ignores me.
so i go upstairs
put my hair in a bun & go out to the garage.
... can you move your car, mom?
"why?"
...so i can go get you your stuff.
"i thought you were going to take a shower first"
i slam the laundry room door
& wait in my car.
after like a minute & a half i go back inside
grab her car keys
& move the car myself.

she didn't wanna go get the drinks herself
because she's too lazy
& because she didn't wanna go out looking the way she did.
just like me.
but i don't matter.

i was walking out of my house
looking like i had JUST GOTTEN OUT OF BED
which i DID.
& she couldnt even do one thing for ME.
move.her.car.



ughhh you make my smile fade.
i wish you would stop using me.
i want to move out.

"sometimes good things fall apart, so that way better things can fall together"


thanks brittny
i love you, girl.

HAHAHA I had a huuuuge crush on Chelsea B.
but then again, who didn't.

We were WIFEYS FIRST & FOREVER
WFAF
then we dated
then she left me for Havi
& then I found out she was going out with Sarah Grimes
behind my back
because she knewwww I liked Sarah G.
I mean, I named my first car after that girl
hahah


but yeah
now we don't even talk anymore.
& the last time we saw each other was back in April
she blamed me for her 'ruined' birthday



the end.

I don't even know.
I mean, I'm there for my mom like nooo other.
I care about her, but since she doesn't care about me the same way
or even at the same level, it's like.
What's the use.


Christian. I cared about him a lot.
Stuck around thinking he wouldn't be able to make it without me.
He was a mess when he broke up with me
& I decided to be selfish for ONCE
& find myself.
Well, everyone knows how that ended up.


I guess I care about everyone equally?
Just because of my personality, I'm a caring person
I have motherly instincts like crazy
I care about you, whether you care about me or not.


I'm sooo empathetic.
If you're sad, I'm sad for you
If you're happy, I'm happy for you.
If you need to talk, I'm here to listen.


So I guess I care about everyone


...mmm world peace <3

anything & everything to do with my grandma.

to American Diary.

a college student.

woke up at like 1230
went to the CGCC
to take an advisement session

signed up for 4 classes.

english 101; monday & wednesday
cultural diversity in education; monday & wednesday
racial & ethnic minorities; monday & wednesday
acting I & II on fridays <3



sooo excited.
$867 later.

w00t w00t
graduation on sunday.
pretttyyy stoked.
i get to perform my monologue in front of ppl
outside of my class.
which im nervous about because idk how to end it.
its like 'see me on break to schedule your injection, get your $500 & your I'M A COLA-BABY t-shirt!'
then i just walk off stage?
idk.. ughhh
i guess ill figure it out.

wish me luck.

believing in love til it kills me.

It's 4 o'clock
& I'm listening to American Diary.

Uhm.. Not much going on lately.
I mean, nothing bad.

I've finally got myself surrounded by happiness.
I have Chris, Amber, Mindy.
I'm going to NY in less than a month.
I have an amazing runway walk
I'm trying to watch what I eat.
I drink water like crazy
I'm trying my hardest to keep my skin clear
I'm getting my hair cut soon!
I finally started going to a psychologist
I feel really good.

I'm finally happier more often than sad.

"I l-o-v-e love to get down"
"I'm head over heels for you; Just stop the moment"

I love new music. I love music.
Warped tour was sooo fun yesterday, I'm still head-banging about it. HAHA
WHOO!

I heart my best friend; duh.
He's the coolest, I swear.
He makes me laugh like non-stop & we both have insecurities about the whole 'friend' thing
so we're constantly reminding each other how AWESOME we are. HAHA
It's great.



Brittny, I'm gonna miss you; Tell me they have internet in LV lol.
I'll be there at your going-away dinner, promise.



Tomorrow I have to go to CGCC to take this advisement session
so I can talk to a counselor & get my classes all set up.
I hope my mom goes with me. but all she says is "Christian did it by himself".

Then Sunday is the one year & 2 month anniversary of my grandma being gone :[
My grandfather has already been gone over a month.
I started counseling for that, too.

I have a meeting at work at 8 but I don't wanna go because I have graduation that day.
For Modelingggg!
I get to wear my team runway outfit, mmm safari!!
then mayyyybe Taryn Shaw's show. idk.

HEY CR, I forgot to tell you for the fashion show I did last Sunday, I got to wear the shades you bought me! HAHA It was AWESOMEEE


Well, gotta take a shower.
Then I'm returning the GH controller I bought CM [Chris 2]
There was nooo way in hell I was going to let him keep that. Uhm noooo way
YAY for getting $75 back! :D




Chipmunk + Squid = Friends Forever!!!